Alone and lonely

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely.  

I love being alone and I find it peacefull. I don't know why, but maybe it's because I can do whatever I want without anybody seeing me, judging me or looking at me. Being alone therefore only means that you're doing what you want to do alone, when you feel like it.  I can do whatever I want when I'm alone, read a book, write, just think about life and it's complications, and I can do all that when i feel like doing it.  I really look forward to my alone time, just because when I'm alone I can do whatever i want. 

Being lonely however is a whole different thing to me. I can be in a room crowded with people and yet being lonely. Loneliness itself is a horrible experience because I feel like I'm all alone in the world with no one, not even when I want to have someone. It doesn't matter if I'm in a room full of people, I feel lonely even there. 

Being lonely in a crowded room is devastating, I actually had this incident in school when I sat with my friend, by the computer and the room got fuller and fuller and fuller, all the people talked and it all was like a but cloud of murmur to me, I felt downright lonely, and all the murmur made me dizzy and i just wanted to get away from there. 

So to me, alone and lonely is two completely diffrent things.

Okay so I had the worst night in a long long long long time yesterday. I was crying until my eyes hurt, I could barely breathe, I couldn't think. I was this close to relapse. Then this morning i was about to cry, so I went to my mom and just completely broke down, I cried and cried and cried.  I said how nothing seems right these days. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Seems like we missed the whole damn train

I'm having my first class now, I hate this class and now I'm alone, so it makes the whole situation even worse than it already is. I don't want to go in this school anymore,  I don't want to work in the media when I grow up, but maybe it's a bit too late to figure that out now. I mean I love to photograph, but I don't want to work with it, I want it more like a hobby. What if i get so tired from working with it that I don't find it fun anymore? I don't want that to happen.  On the other side, I don't know what I want to do with my life,  what I want to do in the future. I only know I want to move away from here to a big city, like Seoul or Tokyo, maybe Shanghai, but the languages are so difficult to learn, but yeah, I don't know. 
And I don't have any pictures on this computer so this will me anoher boring post without a picture, sorry for that!